Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.

“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

A refund is not enough, I need to be able to block restaurants on DoorDash.

Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.

My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”

[dressed like Slave Leia]

Them: Haha ready for Halloween?

Me: Halloween?

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar

It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws

I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

sometimes i miss this memes

I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles

Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.

Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject