God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
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drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years