God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
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ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”