God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
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I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Best table by far
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty