God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
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Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
this will hang in the louvre one day
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
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“piles of health that is! LOL”
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“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds