God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
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My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
felt cute might bury dad later idk
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.