Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

Her: What do you look for in a relationship?

Me: A way out.

*on blind date*

Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?

Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.

life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up

I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete

Sober me: I hate drunk people

Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead

me: let’s find out

nurse: but he-

me: SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what are u-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.

Can’t talk, competitively eating

*sharing nachos with my 17yo son

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open

friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back

me: oh wow me too

[meanwhile]

Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7

I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

haha same

Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.

[christmas break with my extended family]

*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!

I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started

Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

The funk soul brother