“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
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It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
My life is fraught with reality
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?