“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
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the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting