“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
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*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
😭😭
sometimes i miss this memes
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.