“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
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50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
technique
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
A great tip. #CakeRex
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.