God has abandoned us.
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The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
The French cow says MEUX…
I cannot call her anything else now
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.