God has abandoned us.
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Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like