God has abandoned us.
You Might Also Like
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
I have accidentally spilled an entire jar of marmalade inside my hat.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
We all have our pet causes.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.