God has left this place
You Might Also Like
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”