God has left this place
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Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
hmmmmmm
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
*pronounces fake like saké*
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*