Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.

I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*

Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?

I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning

DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth

ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

The answer is funnier than the question

every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life

Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

I’d rather go liquor treating.

Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.

[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]

me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture

My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little

[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶

I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened