Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels

“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.

unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.

“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6

“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”

{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.

This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.

True dat! 😂😂😂😂

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’

what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.

I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”

ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

Cashier: Gimme shake

Customer: *offers paw*

Cashier: Good…here’s your order!

-McDogald’s

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.