Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

See..?

.

*Opens twitter*

*Sees Polio is trending*

*Closes twitter*

“Morning, how was your weekend?”

[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

I slept like shit.

– how adults say “good morning”

*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*

Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.

Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.

3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it

*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.

[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]

Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.

6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?

Me:

Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement

very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.

Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.

My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid question

Me from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!

Boss: GODDAMIT!

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.

Him: I said cologne.

Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

How did you get this number..?

– me to my whole family..

Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about

Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.

ME: i’m depressed

FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better

ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!