Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away

I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese

Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.

*hair is super let down*

still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob

A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…

I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.

zone out

Straight people are cancelled

[frog-condom sales meeting]

frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?

frog 2: rib it

frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius

year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.

Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.

Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint