God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
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After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Match dot com, but for socks.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”