Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win

Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear.

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .

Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one, the dead body one

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.

[phone]

H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.

I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.

Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.

will i understand Nosferatu if i haven’t seen Nosfera 1

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

date: your glasses make you look smart

me: well i had to fail a test to get them so

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”

Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*

Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.

(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*

Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls

Products that are really small are like free samples, right?

Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school

Kay’s emergency department tape rule:

If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.

If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.