Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I love it when we finish each other’s

Him: pancakes

Her: Feed me!

Me: To what?

#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me

her: i’m having trouble walking after last night

me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun

Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard

-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene

A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.

This is true.

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills

Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.

Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.

Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

The Rules

Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.

The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.

People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores

[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.

Some people are hope, some people are nope.

Choose wisely.

Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?

The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude