Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.

There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.

Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”

being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work

If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,

I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game

I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)

Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.

2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos

A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside

list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,

Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?

Audience: WOOOOOOOOO

Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

Yes my dude

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.

Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations

Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*

There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.

I became fatter.

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown