God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
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So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Punctuation Matters. Period.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
What flavor cupcake are these
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
