God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
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Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
#FunnyLife Insects
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.