God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
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Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
lmao
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
me irl
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*