God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
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One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
😂😂😂
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.
Hope that helps.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome