god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
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Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
*tries to suppress yawn in meeting*
eyes: *water*
*looks like I’m crying in meeting*
me: yeah this is better
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?