Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?

A blood vessel…

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…

My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.

“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”

– inventor of the Band-Aid

The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise

Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.

Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.

It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.

*serious situation*

My brain:

A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong

When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.

I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds

[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment

[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day

If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!

-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

“and how does that make you feel?”

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.