Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,

“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”

Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.

Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it

[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”

That’s no way to run a business, is it?

Presumably it’s a non-executive role.

ㅤ

Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it

Space.

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around

[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées

[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no

her:

me: it’s the whole episode

I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”

pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.

Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins

I just checked Web MD and I have everything

My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.

I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…

“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?