FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
GOD: hey my son is broken, he won’t absolve the sins of mankind
IT GUY: try turning him off, waiting 3 days, then turning him back on again
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By DAY he’s just a regular accountant. But at NIGHT he becomes a trash ravaging raccoon…
Coming this fall on Fox
When life hands you
1 cup sugar
2 tbsp flour
3 tbsp cornstarch
1 cup water
2 tbsp butter
1 pie crust
you make lemon meringue
No officer the joke’s on you. That breathalyzer will never tell you how much acid I dropped tonight.
Jail isn’t supposed to be fun why do they get bunk beds?
9: Can I sleep with you?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Unfortunately….. Nobody wants to have sex with your inner beauty.
It’s so cold in south florida, I just saw an iguana kill a squirrel and use it as a scarf.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
A boy met a girl
She:Every time u smile, I feel like inviting u to my place
He(smiling):Why thank u.. are u single?
She:No, I’m a dentist