@BromanConsul

GOD: hey my son is broken, he won’t absolve the sins of mankind
IT GUY: try turning him off, waiting 3 days, then turning him back on again

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@ArfMeasures

[Inventing Squash]

FRIEND: What are you doing?

ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall

FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I

@jazmasta

By DAY he’s just a regular accountant. But at NIGHT he becomes a trash ravaging raccoon…
“Raccountant”..
Coming this fall on Fox

@ibid78

When life hands you
2 Lemons
1 cup sugar
2 tbsp flour
3 tbsp cornstarch
1 cup water
2 tbsp butter
4 eggs
1 pie crust
you make lemon meringue

@ShittyComedian

No officer the joke’s on you. That breathalyzer will never tell you how much acid I dropped tonight.

@BarlowAdams

9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.

@Nofstnme

Unfortunately….. Nobody wants to have sex with your inner beauty.

@globetrottgirl

It’s so cold in south florida, I just saw an iguana kill a squirrel and use it as a scarf.

@iGreenMonk

A boy met a girl

She:Every time u smile, I feel like inviting u to my place

He(smiling):Why thank u.. are u single?

She:No, I’m a dentist