If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
You Might Also Like
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font