[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
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We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Gas station lines at 2 am:
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT