Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.

Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.

Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.

AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:

When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It’s like a big, fast dog

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.

Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic

Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.

WHY?!

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks

A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man

Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them

But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities

[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”

[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”

[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”