God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
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*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Oh the world we live in…
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.