Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.

Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*

Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!

Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!

Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

want me to check your oil?

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.

Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.

I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.

COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap

Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.

I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.

Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.

If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.