Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.

Murderer:

Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.

ocean: *waves*

me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*

Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?

Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’

“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter

Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?

Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.

Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

[Observation Ward]

Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-

Doctor 1: Take his phone

Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago

Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?

a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti

A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.

Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it

Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies

Me: and they never will be!

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks

Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.

Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.

My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us