God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
You Might Also Like
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.