Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.

ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.

Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”

Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away

*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble

(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)

When you’ve simply given up.

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you

Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.

Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…

Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]

…EXACTLY.

I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”

This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.

The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion

I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!

Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.

Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.

PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.