God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
You Might Also Like
Good advice.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE