Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

*reading of my will*

Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’

perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself

sigh

[first date]

Her: Are you wearing a wire?

Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar

When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

Me: These books are half price.

Wife: Yeah.

Me: So I can save money.

Wife: Uh huh.

Me: By buying ten times as many.

Wife: NO.

My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close

Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you

My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest

My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

4th grade student: How old are you?

Me: Quite a bit older than you.

Student: So like 23?

Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank