Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again

Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*

British meanings of “you look well”

1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.

Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.

Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?

Me: Cosmetic.

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.

Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.

Mars: I’m wet

NASA: I’m coming over

Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse

Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

road rage

European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”

American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”

anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary

Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth

Cook: Those are ice cubes

Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.