God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
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Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
plums roundup
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Blew my mind.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Bike for sale
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Tier 3 meme
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Tapped in
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.