Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly

My 4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: You’re spilling.

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.

3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]

Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.

“time flies” then why the hell is it still January bro

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?

9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.

Me: *beaming with pride*

Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!

9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.

Me: *face palm*

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him

from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically

wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals

Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.

And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake

Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!

Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes

Cop: The fashion police

Me *kicking my crocs off* shit

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

She knows her part so well!

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?

some of you aren’t reading the room. not even listening to the room on audiobook

Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree

Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase