Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking

Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!

me: oh great that’s-

Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake

me: uh

Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-

me: please don’t come to town

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.

Hot Panini is in big trouble

My iPhone: Face ID

Me: 💁‍♀️

My iPhone : hmm.. passcode

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*

Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!

My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Can you hear my chips?

😂😂

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

Still laughing at this stupid meme

Husband: You want to have sex?

Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.

Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.

Me:

“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood

My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.

Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.

7: Mommy look!

Me: Ok

7: Look at me!

Me: I’m looking

7: Look!

Me: I AM!

7: Why aren’t you looking?!

Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!

7: Wow. You’ve got a temper

Me:

7: And staring is rude

ㅤ

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?

ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.