Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

Always…

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.

Me when someone tries to get to know me

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*

Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.

Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.

I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

A great first step 😂

I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.

Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”

ME: Got any hobbies?

DATE: I’m a big horse fan

ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

Sheep

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is

Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!

Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!

Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time

True dat! 😂😂😂😂

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead

If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes