Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human

Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.

ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

[Chopped episode]

“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”

Me *opening Oreos*

“Clock hasn’t started.”

Me: There’s cookies.

“Those are for your dish.”

Me *munching*
There’s cookies.

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls

[At Police Station]

“You can make one phone call”

*Dials random #

“Is your fridge running?”

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

Friday

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*

Being an adult is stupid.

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*

*serves poached eggs*

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.

but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.

Movie theater: Please silence your phones.

Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*

“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today

#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther

My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.

#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes