GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
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If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too