Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Essential viewing in these troubled times.

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”

Him: “What kind of car trouble?”

Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.

the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example

Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?

*Looks up from phone*

No idea

if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.

[first date]

her: Tell me a little bit about yourself

me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?

her: umm

Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?

Her: Yes Your Honor!

Judge: When did you realize this?

Her: When his check bounced

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.