Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?

Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile

Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.

Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*

Vampire: Thank you.

Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it

It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”

You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.

No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’

It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

Parents: Your room is a mess.

Me: You really need to see my life.

If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.

I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.

Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

That second sandwich was a mistake.

– me, making a third sandwich

Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?

Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.

4: Mom’s not home.

Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*