Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.

If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

SCARECROW: If I only had a brain

DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas

TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

A telemarketer just called my cell phone.

I pretended to be a phone sex operator.

HE didn’t hang up.

…things got awkward.

I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis

“Why, did he buy a new car?”

WIFE: not yet

[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.

lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much

*shows up at your work*

“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.

GRAVES.

cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

Person: how does writing work?

Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise

Person: then you’re done with the book?

Writer: then you move to the next sentence

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo

me: iced latte please

barista: what type of milk?

me: spaghetti

I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.