@KentWGraham

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

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@hippieswordfish

ME: hah, no way. well, maybe sometimes- or i guess…yes? i don’t know, what was the question again
INTERVIEWER: are you indecisive

@TheAndrewNadeau

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

@Darlainky

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

@girlontapas

I’m not saying that I don’t like him…

But I hope he wakes up out of coffee and finds out that his phone updated and all of the apps he uses want him to re-enter his login and password.

@jonnysun

to cause mass hysteria at a wedding, slowley turn the volum down when the “shout” song says “a litle bit louder now, a litle bit louder now”

@Rica_Bee

this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now

@robdelaney

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.