Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s tough getting user casket reviews

there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again

I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.

Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.

[first day as a psychiatrist]

PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices

ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”

Kid: What’re you doing?

Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.

Kid: We can only have one?

She’s mastered this game.

I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.

Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.

When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words

Animal poetry

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.

Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?

Nothing this big stays secret.

Just Google them.

There’s probably a torrent somewhere.

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”

Cyclops: Wow

definitely did not do anything wrong

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.