Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite farside!!

Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.

Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.

Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.

caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!

hamster: finally!!!

Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.

My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf

WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.

THERAPIST: is this true?

ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?