Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.

My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little

Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

Me, scrolling to find my birth year

*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”

Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

Manager: just got a quick little job for you

Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

Practicing safe sax

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast

Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.

My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!

There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.