Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash

If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.

When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.

DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this

Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.

Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.

“Time is of the essence”

Twitter: Hahaha nope

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower

me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.

My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.

Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?

-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….