Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.

Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.

Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?

🙂🙃🥹

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.

I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.

Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.

HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern

“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.

The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.

I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.

I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.

Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.

Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.