God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
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If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
wtf
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Science is fun!
#nottrue
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*