God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
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Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
new year update: losing everything but weight
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Succinctly put.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
accurate
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Drive as I say, not as I drive.