Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*

My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.

I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.

It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?

Me: Yes

Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.

Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural

[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael

Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”

Potatoes:

i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates

These people at work keep interrupting my naps.

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello

The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*

When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence

Academic paper protip:

end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”

Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.

This checks out

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

start pet casino? explore legality

shit this isn’t my notes app

Twitter dot com. *sigh*

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.