Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry

Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.

I painted today

Everyone complimented me on my turtle

It was a bird, I painted a bird

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5

If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage

@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!

Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.

New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.

I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much

[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.

Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!

Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!

*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*

My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?

Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.

If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,

I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game

WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.