God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
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Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy