Having a crush on someone is so exciting. You know you’ll end up ruining things like you always do, but how? The possibilities are endless.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
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My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
me: not that this helps you
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
me: …an aquatic sea animal
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
me: please go away
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
While looking in my rear view mirror, it looked like something was in my hair. It was my bald spot. My bald spot was in my hair.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
*approaches your table*
*I hold out some cards with fake hands while my real hand pokes out of my shirt and steals your burger*
Me, in shorts and a t-shirt
7yo: Mom, why are you dressed all fancy?