Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries

whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.

My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription

Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

Me: *wakes up sobbing*

Him: Again??

Me: I’m just so terrified…

Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”

Me: I know… I know.

Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it

Elf on the Shelf Log:

Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.

Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.

Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.

Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.

Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.

how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell

*gets pulled over*

Do you know how fast you were going?

*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*

Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”

The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more

DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.

ROMANTIC WATER.