god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
You Might Also Like
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here