god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
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90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities