Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”

If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.

I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.

I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.

Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?

My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.

High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.

College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.

i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus

I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.

And my shoes got wet.

We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.

A gym so fancy they call it a James.

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.

People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.

Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’

Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’

Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.

realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping