god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
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Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
PLEASE READ
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.