god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
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I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next