God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
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me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!