God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
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i have one speed and it’s mosey
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
I like crazy people until they notice me
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all