God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
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JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I have never related to anyone more.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.