“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
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When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Hotels are back
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants