Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”

If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody

reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.

There are two types of people in this world:

1) Good people

2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?

I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.

If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.

Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this

I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it