Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love

TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.

. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.

This is bullshit.

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”

“Just do the damn laundry”

that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala

Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.

Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.

Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.

Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute

inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there

[Space]

No-one: I can hear screaming

My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.

Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.

Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh

Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.

ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong

SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you

ME: *under breath* damn, son

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.

That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾‍♀️🙆🏾‍♀️