Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”

Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.

I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂

Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.

[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath

After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

Order here:
More here:

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.

Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

My phone just told me my network was unstable.

Same, girl. Same.

My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and