God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
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Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
😭😭😭😭
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.